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Myboy is now my Master - an Update

Until I establish a rythm and get back into the flow of writing I figured I would pick random topics to write about.

First, I'm keenly aware of how much I'm resisting writing. I feel it in my chest - a tenseness accompanied with shallow breathing, like I'm standing at the entrance of a haunted house not knowing what lies ahead but anticipating a good scare. Because of this I power through.

My sexual life has been one of constant evolution. The man who started off being my boy is now my Master - and it's been wonderful, challenging, vexing, euphoric, and any other adjective you wish to submit here. Lord knows it's probably been it!

But we had to travel this path to get where we are. When I first met Master he was about as green to kink as a person could be. Exiting a non-monogamous monogamous relationship, he expressed an interest in dabbling in kink, just to see what it was like. Little did he know who he was asking to experiment with!

He needed to get some experience under his belt as boy/slave, to understand what it was like on the receiving end of things. We were both in a position where it made the most sense and we took to our roles with magic.

But over time the cracks in the foundation were exposed. Work and person life changed for both of us and we gravitated toward our more natural inclinations. Through witnessing the last meltdown I had he saw just how requisite having a local Master was for me and that solidified our current roles.

It's been a learning experience for us both. He has grown in his finesse with a cane, his confidence in administering pain, has abandoned societal conditioning, and disovered just how deliciously satisfying the taboo can be.

Me - it's been about letting go.

I'm letting go of my notions and ideologies of what a Master is to be. Master is versatile and likes to get fucked as much as he likes to fuck. In my fantasies a Master is all top with an all consuming desire to fuck me stupid. In this fantasy, I was to be his playtoy to be used as he desires - and those desires would exactly coincide with mine. In reality, being a sextoy doesn't mean getting what I'm want. It means making myself available for Master's pleasure in whatever way pleases him that day. It's taken a lot of unwrapping of my beliefs to get to the truth of that, but we're making progress.

I'm letting go of how much I can in my life. It's not that I don't think I can have it or that I deserve it, but realistically at this point in my life there's only so much I can do. When I split my time between my husband, my Master, friends and family, and daily chores - there's not as much time at the end of the day for the epic play sessions of my dreams. With each reality check I'm learning to welcome, embrace and appreciate what comes my way, look forward to more, and know that life is fluid and always subject to change.

I'm letting go of what I want done to me. At the core of my desire is to be a servant and plaything. I had a very specific notion of what this was supposed to look like and when Master's actions didn't match up, I got frustrated. He's been patient with me as I strip away the illusion and celebrating the reality. I'm learning to center myself in pleasing and serving and not in the specific act that accomplishes it. Chief of which is my desire for mods. They're not exactly his cup of tea, though some of them he very much likes and we're working on. Centering myself in pleasing him is bringing me into alignment with fantasy fulfillment.

I'm letting go of Master knowing it all; reading my mind and doing what I want. He has admitted that S/m isn't his passion - not to the extent that it is for me. He greatly enjoys and relishes it and tweaks our play each time to take things a little further, but he would just as soon study theology then read up on kink techniques. I'm getting better at sharing my fantasies with him. It's been a delicate line for me to walk as I don't want it to be him doing things to fulfill my fantasies but wanting them to grow organically from his desires. However, without exposure to the possibilities, he may never know what exists. Besides, what he's done thus far is all stuff that I showed to him when he was my boy. I'm taking responsibility to educate him - to present to him new ideas for him to mull over and manifest as his own.

In fact, that's part of why I'm antsy about writing. My project for the day is writing out some scenarios I've had in mind. Get his creative juices flowing. I'm outta here for now!