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Back again

Well, we'll see if I'm back again. Or at least how long this time. There's been a number of occasions where I said that I was picking it back up and then fizzled out.

I'm sitting at the Corporate Woods Starbucks which has become my hangout spot with Myboy. I felt anxious when I thought about posting an entry - which is exactly why I knew I needed to do it.

A moment of clarity I had last night - return to chronic-petunia. I've had my focus on building content in my Kegan Daniels blog, wanting to see what might possibly come of that. I limited myself, feeling as though the content had to be "valuable" and fit a certain mold, have a certain vibe, be polished and sell-able. It kept me stuck. Last night I realized I could return to chronic-petunia and write with the freedom and prolificity I once enjoyed with no worry about entertaining or maintaining an audience. Through that freedom, content can reveal itself to be cut and paste as needed. Or at least I can get the flow started here and then switch over if/when I'm ready.

But I know I need to write. I've met a new friend, Married Man. Like so many before him, he has pushed that I write. Like so many before him, my response was to defend my writers block, listing my insecurities, my shitty work schedule, and every other excuse I have used.

This time, his pushing is in tandem with my use of Holosync. About a month ago, out of the blue I decided I needed to start the next, deeper level. Hadn't used it in years, but it was one of those knowings that when it comes to me, I can't NOT do it.

I opted to update my subliminal affirmations, to make them more specific to where I am at this stage in my life. Started up about three weeks ago and it's been a bit of a roller coaster since. One week up down and depressed seemingly out of nowhere. Then I'm back up again. Then I crash. I know that it's working, slowly chipping away at the layers of crap in my subconscious. I can't give specifics other than a knowing that something is going on.

Then there's this last weekend. As I packed my back Friday to spend the weekend with Myboy, the thought came to me, "I really think I want to go to church (Unity) this weekend!" So I packed a button down short sleeve instead of my usual t-shirts.

Funny, we were independently planning on going, knowing that the other would more than likely join. I went because I had an inner knowing. He went because a minister he knew was in town doing the service and really wanted to hear her speak. It was one of those services where it felt like the message was delivered just for me.

Ethiopia, you'll love this - it was all about breaking out of your shell and about living your joy.

Too much has been pointing me in this direction. If I keep fighting it, swimming upstream, I'll continue to be the exhausted mess I've been this last week. So here I am, chipping away...

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
Jun. 12th, 2014 05:13 pm (UTC)
Good to see you here. Keep up your writing,sir.
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