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Myboy is now my Master - an Update

Until I establish a rythm and get back into the flow of writing I figured I would pick random topics to write about.

First, I'm keenly aware of how much I'm resisting writing. I feel it in my chest - a tenseness accompanied with shallow breathing, like I'm standing at the entrance of a haunted house not knowing what lies ahead but anticipating a good scare. Because of this I power through.

My sexual life has been one of constant evolution. The man who started off being my boy is now my Master - and it's been wonderful, challenging, vexing, euphoric, and any other adjective you wish to submit here. Lord knows it's probably been it!

But we had to travel this path to get where we are. When I first met Master he was about as green to kink as a person could be. Exiting a non-monogamous monogamous relationship, he expressed an interest in dabbling in kink, just to see what it was like. Little did he know who he was asking to experiment with!

He needed to get some experience under his belt as boy/slave, to understand what it was like on the receiving end of things. We were both in a position where it made the most sense and we took to our roles with magic.

But over time the cracks in the foundation were exposed. Work and person life changed for both of us and we gravitated toward our more natural inclinations. Through witnessing the last meltdown I had he saw just how requisite having a local Master was for me and that solidified our current roles.

It's been a learning experience for us both. He has grown in his finesse with a cane, his confidence in administering pain, has abandoned societal conditioning, and disovered just how deliciously satisfying the taboo can be.

Me - it's been about letting go.

I'm letting go of my notions and ideologies of what a Master is to be. Master is versatile and likes to get fucked as much as he likes to fuck. In my fantasies a Master is all top with an all consuming desire to fuck me stupid. In this fantasy, I was to be his playtoy to be used as he desires - and those desires would exactly coincide with mine. In reality, being a sextoy doesn't mean getting what I'm want. It means making myself available for Master's pleasure in whatever way pleases him that day. It's taken a lot of unwrapping of my beliefs to get to the truth of that, but we're making progress.

I'm letting go of how much I can in my life. It's not that I don't think I can have it or that I deserve it, but realistically at this point in my life there's only so much I can do. When I split my time between my husband, my Master, friends and family, and daily chores - there's not as much time at the end of the day for the epic play sessions of my dreams. With each reality check I'm learning to welcome, embrace and appreciate what comes my way, look forward to more, and know that life is fluid and always subject to change.

I'm letting go of what I want done to me. At the core of my desire is to be a servant and plaything. I had a very specific notion of what this was supposed to look like and when Master's actions didn't match up, I got frustrated. He's been patient with me as I strip away the illusion and celebrating the reality. I'm learning to center myself in pleasing and serving and not in the specific act that accomplishes it. Chief of which is my desire for mods. They're not exactly his cup of tea, though some of them he very much likes and we're working on. Centering myself in pleasing him is bringing me into alignment with fantasy fulfillment.

I'm letting go of Master knowing it all; reading my mind and doing what I want. He has admitted that S/m isn't his passion - not to the extent that it is for me. He greatly enjoys and relishes it and tweaks our play each time to take things a little further, but he would just as soon study theology then read up on kink techniques. I'm getting better at sharing my fantasies with him. It's been a delicate line for me to walk as I don't want it to be him doing things to fulfill my fantasies but wanting them to grow organically from his desires. However, without exposure to the possibilities, he may never know what exists. Besides, what he's done thus far is all stuff that I showed to him when he was my boy. I'm taking responsibility to educate him - to present to him new ideas for him to mull over and manifest as his own.

In fact, that's part of why I'm antsy about writing. My project for the day is writing out some scenarios I've had in mind. Get his creative juices flowing. I'm outta here for now!

*gulp*

I'm terrified - of so much. I've accepted that there is a very real chance that President Elect Golden Showers will get a good portion of the United States obliterated. In a way, it offers a sense of relief. They say to live each day as though it may be your last. Next week brings that stark reality to the forefront.

But that's not the terror that I'm grappling with right now. The terror that's causing my chest to tighten up - writing.

I've lost my voice. I've lost my flow, my stream of consciousness that nearly a decade ago flowed with prolific abundance. Now it drowns me.

After hitting yet another low point in my life a few months ago, I sought out the help of a new therapist and he's had a tremendous impact on my life. He's helping me clear my blockages and understand why they were put in place to begin with.

I'm really hoping that I can get back into that zone of Writing As Thought No One Is Reading and let the words pour forth from my fingertips, to regain some of that insight, audacity, and unbridled passion for the written word I once had.

And hopefully, along with it, regain even a shred of the self-confidence I once had.

So this is the start of my challenge to write and post daily.

May I keep the ball rolling.

Adult and Personal Content

Howdy! and Greetings -

As I delve into a new phase of my life I have decided to make more of my journal entries private, viewable only by those on my friends list.  I may go back to being public in the future as I work out some issues for myself and feel more comfortable in broadcasting all for the world to see.  Lord knows I didn't hold much back in the first years of my profile!

What's out there is already out there and I don't want to go back through and "privatize" earlier entries, but I've decided that I would like to maintain a certain degree of discretion.  (Better late than never)  So, if you'd like to continue to follow my blog, please feel free to comment on this post and introduce yourself and I will be happy to add you to the viewing list.

Cheers!

Brian

Getting closer

In my spiritual education, I have learned that I must be appreciative of the opportunities that come along and are near misses of my desires.

1) They show me that I'm honing in on the Truth of my desires. They are representations of the abundance and prosperity in my life.
2) Don't despair that it's not what I want or that an opportunity has passed me by. Instead, celebrate the clarity I gain from it so I can further refine my vision.
3) I've noticed that every time a thing has presented itself to me, it's even better than the time before. Doors close so that even better ones can be opened and traversed! That's pretty fucking exciting to waiting in that delicious anticipation! Knowing I am eradicating all of the feelings and energies around what I *don't* want and am instead filling my knowing with even more detail of what I DO want!
4) I know that it has shown up in my life in a number of instances. Each have prepared me for when the day it all comes together. AND it's always reappeared so I know - as fucking amazing as some of it has felt, when IT does finally happen...I can't fathom how good it will be!

Just to write

Wow - I'm not really sure what to say. A friend has prodded me to write and so here I sit in "our" Starbucks - the one near my boy's apartment. We come here with such great regularity that we've dubbed it "ours".

I guess I could give an update of my life. I'm still working at SAFC. It's a job. They've implemented a "Career Progression Program" which doesn't really amount to a whole lot more than that they are bringing our site in line with the payscale of their other sites. As a result I am now listed as a senior operator which came with a decent raise - which was half of what they told us it would be when they first introduced the program. But at least now I finally can do a little more than live paycheck to paycheck. And maybe some day I can consider contributing to my 401k again.

The program went into effect last January. We were put on a 6 month observation period - which was more a formality than anything else - to ensure that we functioned at the new levels we would be promoted to. Unfortunately, today is the first new "normal" paycheck I've received. In November I had sinus surgery which made me miss a lot of work ON TOP of all of the work I missed due to the complications I was experiencing leading up to that.

While working last night I noticed that I was fully functioning and not the space cadet I've been for months now. That was a nice change of pace.

The rest of my life continues to be its regular ups and downs. Thought I had found the yin to my fetish yang, but that's gone silent on me. Another Master who was all hot and heavy for me and too busy to do anything about it.

Things are still good with my boy. He's been out of town this week for work and will be heading out of town for a week again next weekend.

And I'm rambling about nothing.

Work update

Married Man and I were talking the other day and he pushed that I should apply for the supervisor position that opened up two weeks ago when they unexpectedly let my supervisor go.

First off, my understanding is that they don't hire into supervisor positions without being a lead first.

And as I told MM - we both know that my passion isn't in my current work.

I have no interest in climbing the corporate ladder. Hell, I don't want to be in the corporate world, but it's where I am in this phase of my life. So while I'm there I prefer to be able to clock in, clock out, and leave work behind me. I don't want to be stressed out and buckle under the weight of a million responsibilities.

One round of applications and interviews recently concluded for a lead position (he transferred to a different department) and a supervisor (who up and moved to Texas without telling anyone or being heard from by anyone since.) Gabe, my current lead, was promoted to supervisor and is filling in the vacancy caused by my former sups dismissal. Thus another lead position has opened and I'm waiting for it to be posted.

I tell everyone at work that I didn't apply in the previous round because I didn't know it had opened. Actually, I was avoiding it. The reasons are multitudinous. I didn't think I was good enough. It's one thing to be responsible for my own work and another to be responsible for the work of others. I didn't want the extra burden. Etc.

Now that I have reflected on the matter, I now feel that it is a good fit. The fit feels even better knowing that I would be on Gabe's team. Perhaps that was my initial hesitation - now knowing which supervisor I would be working for. However, it all feels too right.

1) Gabe and I share very similar work ethics. We're detail-oriented. We care about the quality of work we do. And we're both perfectly willing to trim the fat - letting go of the people who just don't give a shit.

Granted, I could give two shits about dry powder media. I didn't grow up with the dream that one day I would be a production technician in the bio-pharmaceutical industry. But I do take pride in the work I do and a belief that a job worth doing is worth doing well. However I may feel about the wages I make, I knew going in what my job responsibilities would be and it's my duty to fulfill them to the best of my ability. It gets really tiring, old, and frustrating to bust my hump AND pick up the slack of...well, pretty much everyone else.

I want a team of people who give a damn - who respect themselves enough to respect their work.

2) I work really well with Gabe. His formulation lead will be Adis who has been on my team these last couple of years and was promoted to lead in this last round of interviews. We would make a great team and feed off each other. Plus, they both are looking to advance in the company so I know they'll give a damn about their quality which complements my desire to just give a damn.

Seems that I'm pretty much a shoe in for the lead spot based on my conversation with Gabe. He said that I'm a rarity in that I'm one of few people in the company who no one has anything bad to say about. Also that none of the other candidates are being further considered by management. He said that my only competition would be his brother. (If his brother were to get the lead position then they would change teams up so they weren't working together.) But that between the two of us, he hopes I get the position over his brother - which speaks volumes for the quality of work I produce.

Yeah - I bust my ass (when my body is willing.) There's even a term that has developed at work. Brian Heinen Clean - where I go through and detail clean where others have already cleaned.

It helps that I do the right thing at the right time and am seen doing it by the right person. And it's been relayed to me that the plant manager thinks highly of me - putting me on the list of "Good People" in a conversation with Gabe.

The new schedule goes into effect the start of August. I'm poised to win whatever happens. It'll be a fixed schedule and I'll be working one of the day teams. It means that I will lose my 10% shift differential, but I will be working a more normal schedule which will afford me a social life. If I get the lead position, I'll be working nights but at least it will be a fixed schedule. I'll get the shift differential in addition to a raise. Plus, as I've reflected in my journal on the possibility of being a lead I've seen the potential for personal growth it presents...not to mention my growth in my role in the company...to be able to do more than just run the line.

My job may not be my passion but at least where I stand now things are looking up!

Vertigo

Spending the afternoon playing hookie at my favorite Starbucks with Myboy. Married Man urged me yesterday to write - that the message that has been coming to him is that I need to blog so I figured that would be a good use of my unexpected free time.

While getting ready for work this morning, I noticed that my left ear was ringing. A couple of months ago it started doing this weird thing where I would get an echo. It was most pronounced in my car. As I drove along, I would hear the song playing on the radio. A split second later I heard the same song an octave or two higher as though there was a tiny speaker above and behind that ear.

After a few days of it I went to Urgent Care to check it out, but the doctor found absolutely nothing wrong. He recommended an Ear Nose Throat specialist. However, a couple of days later it seemed to have resolved itself so I let it go.

Shortly after that I was at work and started to feel light headed and dizzy. I staggered walking down the hallway, sometimes having to support myself with the wall or any fixed surface I came upon. I chalked it up to wonky blood sugar levels and an even wonkier work schedule, being on my night rotation.

It happened again a week later on our last evening of IML. I assumed I was just poppered out after open door hours in our hotel room drew a line of men. However, when I staggered down the hallway en route to lunch, unable to walk a straight line and catching myself with the wall more than a few times, I knew something much more was going on than a popper hangover.

That was the first time that the word "vertigo" was used to describe my condition.

I'd heard the term but always associated it with a drug trip or a response to heights. Beyond that, I knew nothing about it. But as I described my symptoms, more and more people threw out that word. One guy even said his vertigo was so bad that they had to perform surgery to replace part of his inner ear.

Of course, I did nothing. I got to Kansas and didn't have another bout. My mother's voice from my ear from childhood rang in my ear - "Are you really sick or are you just wanting to get out of school?"

I know it's foolish. There wasn't anything that I wanted to get out of or avoid. However, since it wasn't a persistent experience once again I figured it had resolved itself.

So at first I dismissed the ring this morning as being an effect of sleeping on my ear wrong or something. But when the dizzy headed-ness started up at work, I knew it wasn't going to be pretty.

I thought maybe I could power my way through it by keeping busy. Our batch for the day wasn't ready for us to process so I decided I would help Line 1 with their pack out since they were short staff. Plus, I like the busy work - it helps pass the time, burns calories, and I might as well get used to it if I am hoping to be lead.

Half way through lining the 200+ buckets with bags, I could feel myself start to falter. When I called my supervisor to ask a question, I crouched against the wall to combat the nausea. A few times I stopped to catch my breath and fight back the waves in my stomach. My Stubborn German kicked in as I saw the stacks of buckets diminish and I resolved myself to finish. By the end, I couldn't bring myself to raise my gaze any more than 45 degrees from the floor for fear of succumbing to the gross feeling in my gut.

I placed my last bucket on the rolling rack and excused myself from the room and made my way to the locker room. I held myself together as I changed out of my scrubs, not allowing myself to sit for fear I wouldn't get back up. Bee-lined to the break room where I dropped to the floor, sprawled out, watching the ceiling spin as I closed my eyes.

After a few minutes, I crawled over to the couch where I fell asleep for an hour.

I got up and decided to check my email as a gauge of how I was feeling. Would I be able to continue working? It wouldn't have been a question if it weren't only halfway through the year and I only have 20 hours to PTO left. The only reason to stay would be that we didn't have a batch and I could take it easy. But if they got the batch finished I would be toast. So I ceded to the vertigo. Myboy picked me up, took me to lunch, and dropped me off at his place where I napped some more.

Not my preference for how I want to use what little PTO remains, but I'm grateful to have it!

EDIT: I have the names/numbers of a couple of Ear Nose Throat specialists within my insurance network whom I will be calling on Monday.

Birthday Thanks

To whomever sent me the "Chronic Petunia" journal - thank you!

Happy Belated Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. My one wish was to do some writing, but I never quite got around to it so I'm back at Starbucks going at it again.

My birthday was fairly uneventful. So much so that one of the highlights of the day came at the start when we went to Starbucks and my drink total was $6.18! How's that for synchronicity?!

I got a couple of great Christmas presents. Married Man (MM) got me a Groupon for a massage knowing it was what I wanted most for my birthday and also that my work schedule is grueling and can suck the life out of me. (Which it certainly did this week.) Myboy got me a stretched canvas print of a carnival that I fell in love with at the Brookside Art Fair. Spent the day at Starbucks and dinner with Larry and Myboy at Margarita's. Capped off my evening by renewing my car tags online, smoking some pot then writing in my journal before zonking out.

Spent the majority of today in bed. I got up and out for lunch with Larry, my mom and little sister then back home and to bed. My batteries were completely drained. Finally wasn't falling back asleep so I decided to come to the Midtown Sbux where it's open later.

For some reason work seems to have kicked my ass this week - and it was an easy week AND I was on days! Thankfully, change is underway with my work schedule. Instead of rotating days and nights every two weeks, we're going to a fixed schedule.Fortunately, it should help establish some consistency in my life. Unfortunately, I will most likely be working nights.

It's actually by my choosing. When I first submitted my request, I asked for days. However, I wanted to remain on my current supervisor's team - and more importantly didn't want to work under any of the other supervisors.

After crunching the numbers of my budget I realized my income would be taking a huge hit were I to lose my paychecks with the shift differential on them. Which would have been fine, but a few weeks ago Farmer Daddy gave me finances speech, coming from his experience now being retired...which was later reinforced by Suze Orman. He insisted that I return to contributing 6% to my 401k since my company does a 60% match and I'm vested after 3 years...which is less than a year from now. The advice made sense. Where else can I make a 60% return on my investment?!

Friday's paycheck showed how much of a squeeze saving for retirement places on me now. I've refigured my calculations and accordingly adjusted my pocket cash and credit card payments just so I can make it through the month. I've stopped using my debit card, replacing that habit with paying for cash so I'm more consciously aware of how much money I'm spending and don't dip into reserves. I have envelopes where I place cash each check for established expenses like new tires and car tags.

However, there's very little money left over for accelerating the payoff of my debts, which I intended to eliminate by my 40th birthday and now I'm not sure how that will be possible.

It's a financial roller coaster right now. I can't afford to work days.

At least there are some bright spots on the horizon.

They implemented a Career Progression program at work. My supervisor says I should be made a senior operator by the end of this month which will mean a $2.25 raise. However, on paper the program states that I need another 3 month evaluation period. I hold onto the hope that my supervisor is able to push it through. I could really use the breathing room - and the money for some home improvements and to get back to making more than the minimum payments on my debts.

Working nights means that both paychecks each month will contain the shift differential which provides an extra $100 and should help get me back to where I was before re-contributing to my 401k.

Plus, there's potentially a lead position opening at work, depending on how things pan out with the supervisor interviews. If my current lead gets the job, both he and my supervisor have said they would be fighting each other for me as their lead. I don't particularly want the job, but I do want the increased pay.

Things might not feel so bleak if it were just me and Larry. However, Myboy earns...well, considerably more money than Larry and me combined. And it's not that he earns more money, but it gets discouraging to put in the hours that I do just to eek by then go over to his place where he shows me the newest gizmo he's ordered online or see the bags from his latest shopping excursion. He's going to Peru for 10 days next week. In addition to his work travel, he gets out to places like DC and Ft. Lauderdale and such.

I applaud him. I'm very happy for him. He's worked hard his life to get to where he is and he deserves it all! I also benefit from his prosperity, going to IML, meals out and the like.

My mission for now is to find a way NOT to compare my financial situation to his, to find peace in my own abundance and prosperity instead of seeing the space between only to focus on what I see to be lacking, my ego using it as ammunition to beat me up and down.

I just really hope that the consistency the new schedule will provide will give me the strength and energy to feel more stable on my own two feet.

Back again

Well, we'll see if I'm back again. Or at least how long this time. There's been a number of occasions where I said that I was picking it back up and then fizzled out.

I'm sitting at the Corporate Woods Starbucks which has become my hangout spot with Myboy. I felt anxious when I thought about posting an entry - which is exactly why I knew I needed to do it.

A moment of clarity I had last night - return to chronic-petunia. I've had my focus on building content in my Kegan Daniels blog, wanting to see what might possibly come of that. I limited myself, feeling as though the content had to be "valuable" and fit a certain mold, have a certain vibe, be polished and sell-able. It kept me stuck. Last night I realized I could return to chronic-petunia and write with the freedom and prolificity I once enjoyed with no worry about entertaining or maintaining an audience. Through that freedom, content can reveal itself to be cut and paste as needed. Or at least I can get the flow started here and then switch over if/when I'm ready.

But I know I need to write. I've met a new friend, Married Man. Like so many before him, he has pushed that I write. Like so many before him, my response was to defend my writers block, listing my insecurities, my shitty work schedule, and every other excuse I have used.

This time, his pushing is in tandem with my use of Holosync. About a month ago, out of the blue I decided I needed to start the next, deeper level. Hadn't used it in years, but it was one of those knowings that when it comes to me, I can't NOT do it.

I opted to update my subliminal affirmations, to make them more specific to where I am at this stage in my life. Started up about three weeks ago and it's been a bit of a roller coaster since. One week up down and depressed seemingly out of nowhere. Then I'm back up again. Then I crash. I know that it's working, slowly chipping away at the layers of crap in my subconscious. I can't give specifics other than a knowing that something is going on.

Then there's this last weekend. As I packed my back Friday to spend the weekend with Myboy, the thought came to me, "I really think I want to go to church (Unity) this weekend!" So I packed a button down short sleeve instead of my usual t-shirts.

Funny, we were independently planning on going, knowing that the other would more than likely join. I went because I had an inner knowing. He went because a minister he knew was in town doing the service and really wanted to hear her speak. It was one of those services where it felt like the message was delivered just for me.

Ethiopia, you'll love this - it was all about breaking out of your shell and about living your joy.

Too much has been pointing me in this direction. If I keep fighting it, swimming upstream, I'll continue to be the exhausted mess I've been this last week. So here I am, chipping away...

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